Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes

Saul.It's almost a shame to smoke it. It feels like killing a unicorn with a bomb.

Dale.Even if he found that roach, how could he know your location?

Saul.Heat-seeking missiles, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.

Dale.I am just flabbergasted when you say things like that. It is weird.

Saul.Thank you.

Dale.Not a compliment.

Saul.Let's roll, man! I am done with the woods! Let's go! Come on, let's get the f*ck outta here.

Dale.Okay... Uhh, let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.

Saul.Wait... What do you mean, it's dead?

Dale.What do I mean? The battery's dead. The battery's dead.

Saul.No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead?

Dale.How can I explain this differently? The battery is dead. It stopped living. It is deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.

Saul.How did this happen?

Dale.We clearly fell asleep with the battery on and—

Saul.Aw, man... Talk radio?

Dale.Yes, talk radio.

Saul.So boring, man. The car just committed suicide.

Private Miller.Ah, well, sir, I feel like a slice of butter melting on top of a big pile of flapjacks.

Red.This is my cat's birthday today.

Dale.I don't see a cat in here. I am sorry. Did you let it out by accident?

Red.No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who is the funny guy, huh? All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.

Saul.Don't worry, bro, your cat is going to Heaven.

Red.Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to Heaven. He was a little f*cker. He could have gone to Hell.

Matheson.I may act tough, but I have a lot of feelings, and you hurt nearly every one of them.

Dale: F*ck the police.

Dale.Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. Just ask him.

Red.Chill, dude, chill. I am boiling some eggs over here...

Dale.That is great. Just—

Red.We have a lot of time to hang out, I am making a f*cking cake.

Dale.No sh*t. (to Saul) Just ask him, man.

Saul.Can I have a piece of that?

Dale.What are you doing? Do not ask for a piece.

Saul.I can't have a piece of that?

Red.No, you cannot have a piece, this is private. You know what today is?

Saul.Tuesday.

Saul.I think we should stay here.

Dale.Why?

Saul.Because I am in the dumpster already.

Dale.I visited her in high school. The guys she attended school with were strong, handsome, funny, and made good impressions of Jeff Goldblum.

Saul.What?

Dale.It sucks for my ego.

Saul.F*ck Jeff Goldblum, man!

Budlofsky.No, I cannot. My wife always knows. She smells it on my sweater.

Matheson.You want my vest? It smells good.

Budlofsky.It is not my style.

Matheson.You have no style, muthaf*cka.

Dale.Is your, uh, is your lip okay, man?

Saul.You been crying?

Red.(clearly bruised and cut) Oh, my, my lip? It's a cold sore. I never had one, so I started to cry. I think it looks much worse than it is.

Saul is in 'For Life' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.(interrupting Red) So... does that mean f*ckin' herpes?

Red is in 'For Life' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Yeah, yeah, yes it does.

Saul is in 'For Life' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Wow! F*ckin' sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?!

Red is in 'For Life' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I know, I'm a disgusting person...

Saul is in 'For Life' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!

Red is in 'For Life' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I'm gonna try to put some medical ointment on it. I've been taking Vicoden. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.

Barber is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody?

Dale is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.That's exactly what I've been telling you.

Barber is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.And you saw it?

Dale is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Yes. Do you believe me?

Barber is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop?

Dale is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.It was a policewoman. It was a woman.

Barber is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Oh I think I know who that b*tch was.

Dale is in 'I Will Identify' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Yes, I will identify that b*tch.

Saul is in 'Thanks Man' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I wish I had a job like that. Where I could just sit around and smoke weed all day

Dale Denton is in 'Thanks Man' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Hey you do have that job. You do sit around and smoke weed all day.

Saul is in 'Thanks Man' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Hey you're right. Hey thanks man.

Dale is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.What else?

Red is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're in a drug war right now.

Dale is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!

Saul is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.It's true.

Dale is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.What Asians?

Red is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um--

Saul is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Viet Cong?

Red is in 'Little Asian People' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like--the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.

Saul is in 'Pretty Awesome' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.The car chase was pretty awesome!

Red is in 'Pretty Awesome' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.You guys got into a f*cking car chase? Are you f*cking kidding me?!

Saul is in 'Pretty Awesome' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I like had my foot through the window.

Dale is in 'Served' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.You've been served!

Saul is in 'Quiznos' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Why are we even here? This place is so f*ckin' scary!

Dale is in 'Quiznos' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!

Saul is in 'Quiznos' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's."

Matheson is in 'Last Seventeen Minutes' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.You know you gonna die, right?

Saul is in 'Last Seventeen Minutes' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Yeah.

Matheson is in 'Last Seventeen Minutes' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I'm gonna kill the f*ck out of you! I hope you enjoy these last seventeen minutes of your life.

Red is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Seriously! I know this sounds weird but can we be best friends? Just us? For real?

Dale is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I think we should ALL be best friends!

Red is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.We should be! You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.

Saul is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.You guys are like, both of my best friends and you didn't even know it but now you know it and we'll all be best friends!

Dale is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.You know what we should get?! You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a 3-way one of those, man!

Saul is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.(while Dale is talking) 3-way! 3-way!

Red is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.I don't even know if they f*cking MAKE those!

Dale is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.We should make the first ones!

Saul is in 'Three Way' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.3-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!

Scientist is in 'What Emotions Do You Feel' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?

Private Miller is in 'What Emotions Do You Feel' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.(starts imitating swing music with his mouth and laughing)

Scientist is in 'What Emotions Do You Feel' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Okay, Private Miller?

General Bratt is in 'What Emotions Do You Feel' in the list 'Funniest 'Pineapple Express' Quotes'.Is this normal?

Mr. Edwards.Clark is a great guy. He will take care of Angie. He is a wonderful lab partner. He will keep an eye on her.

Dale.Why don't you go f*ck yourself, you weird little prick?

Mr. Edwards.I am a teacher. You cannot talk to me like that, guy.

Dale.I am not a student. I can say whatever I want. You are a chimp-f*cking little bastard.

Dale.We are not friends. You are my drug dealer. I like the drugs you sell. That is why we know each other. If you did not sell those drugs, I would not know who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Not looking like this.

Matheson.You were fierce. You were ruthless!

Dale.Are you angry at Ted?

Red.Yeah, I am really mad at him...

Dale.What do you want to do about it? Do you want to get up and DO something about it?

Red.Maybe... Maybe that would be cool to do to him...

Ted.(finds the joint that Dale dropped earlier) Pineapple express.