Best Steven Wright Jokes & One-Liners, Ranked

A woman made me almost break both my arms holding open a revolving door.

I was Caesarean-born. I cannot tell much, though I go through the window when I leave a house.

I felt sad lacking shoes until I met a man with no feet. I asked him, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Today, I called the wrong number. I asked, “Hello, is Joey there?” A woman answered, “Yes, he is.” I asked, “Can I speak to him, please?” She replied, “No, he can’t talk now; he’s only two months old.” I said, “Alright, I will wait.”

I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he is gone.

One morning, I woke up. All my belongings had been stolen and replaced with exact copies.

I went to eat. The sign read, “Breakfast at any time.” So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I got a new dog. He is a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he doubts what I threw at him.

I broke a mirror in my house. I should face seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I study astronomy. I installed a skylight. The people above me are angry.

I played poker with Tarot cards one night. I got a full house, and four people died.

Why ask for your thoughts if you must offer your opinion? Somebody is making a penny.

During a job interview, I opened a book and began reading. I asked the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship traveling at light speed and turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I replied, “I don’t want your job.”

School ends every period with a bell. Every sentence stops with a period. Every crime finishes with a sentence.

I write a book. I finished the page numbers. Now, I just need to fill in the rest.

Driving across the border back into the United States, they asked me about firearms. I asked, “What do you need?”

I plan to get a tattoo covering my whole body, making me taller.

Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.

This morning, I folded my bed back into a couch. I almost broke both my arms because that is not the kind of bed.

Our house ran on static electricity. To cook, we had to quickly take off a sweater. To run a blender, we had to rub balloons on our heads.

I wrote a song. I cannot read music, so I do not know what it is. Sometimes I listen to the radio and say, “I think I might have written that.”

If Barbie is so popular, why must you buy her friends?

Every morning, I make instant coffee. I drink it to get the energy for real coffee.

When I get really bored, I drive downtown for a good parking spot. Then I sit in my car and count how many people ask if I am leaving.

I entered the bar. I sat beside a pretty girl. She looked at me. She said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I replied, “Yeah, I know. But they are the same to me because I judge by thickness.”