Best Celebrity Roasts

Roast Of: Betty WhiteWilliam Shatner is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: George Takei and William Shatner are in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “I have been a huge Trekkie ever since the show first aired. That’s why I’m so thrilled to see Nichelle and George Takei here tonight. Because, let’s face it, we all know Shatner’s nuts. But George has actually tasted them!”I have been a huge Trekkie since the show first aired. That’s why I’m thrilled to see Nichelle and George Takei here tonight. We all know Shatner’s nuts. But George has actually tasted them!

Roast Of: Ireland BaldwinAlec Baldwin is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Alec Baldwin is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “It hasn’t been easy being the daughter of an iconic movie star. But I’m not here to talk about my mother… Or her Oscar.”It hasn’t been easy being the daughter of an iconic movie star. I am not here to talk about my mother… Or her Oscar.

Roast Of: Peyton ManningRob Lowe is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Pete Davidson is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “I just met this guy Pete Davidson backstage before the show, great guy. He asked to take a picture with me and I didn’t even realize he was one of the comedians. I told him, ‘Don’t give up kid, whatever disease you have, you can beat it.’”I just met Pete Davidson backstage before the show; he was a great guy. He asked to take a picture with me, and I did not even realize he was a comedian. I told him, ‘Don’t give up, kid. Whatever disease you have, you can beat it.’

Roast Of: Blake Griffin On Caitlyn JennerAlec Baldwin is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Caitlyn Jenner is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment surgery in 2015, finally confirming that no one in that family wants a white d*ck… On behalf of the entire NBA and half the rappers on the Billboard charts, I want to thank you for giving your daughters their daddy issues.”Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment surgery in 2015, confirming no one in that family wants a white d*ck. On behalf of the entire NBA and half the rappers on the Billboard charts, I thank you for giving your daughters their daddy issues.

Roast Of: Natasha LeggeroJustin Bieber is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Kevin Hart, Ludacris, Justin Bieber, and Shaq are in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Kevin you are everywhere. You know, Kevin’s actually gonna be on the next season of Kevin is everywhere. Kevin will actually be on the next season of Game of Thrones.Game of Thrones is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.He plays Peter Dinklage’s shadow. Kevin does all his own stunts. He climbs into his own chair. He climbs out of his own bathtub. He goes up on his wife. Kevin has a Napoleon complex. Kevin, Napoleon led France. Ludacris is in Europe. Justin is a continent in Europe. Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.

Roast Of: Cloris LeachmanBob Saget is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: John Stamos is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “I am not here to roast Bob Saget. I’m here to f*ck John Stamos.”I am not here to roast Bob Saget. I am here to f*ck John Stamos.

Roast Of: Snoop DoggDonald Trump is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Donald Trump is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Donald says he wants to run for president and move into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a Black family out of their home.”“Donald says he wants to run for president and move into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a Black family out of their home.”

Roast Of: Nikki Glaser On Tom Brady And Rob GronkowskiTom Brady is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Tom Brady is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money!’”“Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money!’”

Roast Of: Martha StewartJustin Bieber is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Justin Bieber and Shaq are in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: Let’s get to why I am here tonight: to give Justin Bieber tips for prison. I was in lockup, and you would not last a week, so pay attention. First, you need a shank. I made mine from a pin tail comb and gum. I will show you how later; it is simple. Bubbalicious works best and is fun to say. During my stretch, all the inmates wanted a piece of Martha Stewart’s a**, so I decided some b*tch needed to get it. I walked into the chow hall, picked the biggest bull d*ke, and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom does not still hold a grudge.

Roast Of: Sean HayesAlec Baldwin is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Alec Baldwin is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Don’t worry Alec, nothing said here tonight will be meaner than what you left on your daughter’s voicemail. Alec - sit back, unclench your fists, and I promise - this’ll be the funniest thing you’ve ever been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through.”

Roast Of: David SpadeRob Lowe
Target: Rob LoweRob Lowe

Joke: For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction, but he cured it by getting less famous. Being Rob is not easy. He said being so handsome made finding meaningful roles hard. I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.

Roast Of: Gilbert GottfriedRoseanne Barr
Target: Roseanne BarrRoseanne Barr

Joke: "A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom, waking his wife, Roseanne. She wakes up and sees her husband holding a sheep under his arm. The farmer yells, ‘This is the pig I've been f*cking!’"

Roseanne says 'You idiot! That's not a pig, it's a sheep!'

The farmer yells, ‘Shut the f*ck up - I was talking to the sheep!’

Roast Of: Greg Giraldo On John StamosBob Saget
Target: John StamosJohn Stamos

Joke: “John was married to my favorite supermodel - Rebecca Romijn O’Connell. Jesus, John, you lost your wife to the fat kid from Stand By Me"

Roast Of: James FrancoJames Franco
Target: The rest of the daisThe rest of the dais

Joke: “So many gay jokes tonight, wow. So many gay jokes about Franco. Apparently if you’re clean, well-dressed, and mildly cultured, you’re super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, d*cks are just gonna fly into your face?”

Roast Of: Charlie SheenCharlie Sheen
Target: Jeff RossJeff Ross

Joke:“During your performance I wish I bit my own ears off.”

Roast Of: Jeff FoxworthyJeff Foxworthy
Target: Jeff FoxworthyJeff Foxworthy

Joke: “If you've shot everything but a successful TV show, you might be Jeff Foxworthy.”

Roast Of: Justin BieberJustin Bieber
Target: The rest of the daisThe rest of the dais

Joke: “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”

Roast Of: JewelRob Lowe
Target: Rob LoweRob Lowe

Joke: [In song to the tune of “You Were Meant for Me”]

"Rob was so shocked on Lyon's Den,
When I did not want to kiss him
You see the problem, Rob, is you’re such a whore
You completely forgot - we hooked up before
Cause you showed me your peen-is
When I was just 16… ish
Back in 1988
I was the girl in your sex tape
Maybe you missed my name
Cause you were high on so much cocaine
Out of all your films
I'm the best thing you were ever in"

Roast Of: Patton OswaltFlavor Flav
Target: Flavor FlavFlavor Flav

Joke: “You had your own show, The Flavor of Love, which - I didn’t know Syphilis had a flavor.”

Roast Of: Tom ArnoldJoan Rivers
Target: Joan RiversJoan Rivers/Melissa Rivers

Joke: “That [plastic surgery] work is gonna save your daughter Melissa a fortune in taxidermy costs, so she can still cart you around and keep her career going."

Roast Of: Pete DavidsonRob Lowe
Target: Rob LoweAnn Coulter

Joke: “Ann Coulter, if you're here, who's scaring the crows away from our crops?”

Roast Of: Pete Davidson On Rob LoweRob Lowe
Target: Rob LoweRob Lowe

Joke: “People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that’s only because they never saw him tell his wife he didn’t f*ck that nanny.”

Roast Of: Nikki GlaserAlec Baldwin is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Caitlyn JennerCaitlyn Jenner is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “You are such an incredible athlete. People forget how fast you once ran… from your first family to go be on a reality show.”You are a great athlete. People forget how fast you ran from your first family to get on a reality show.

Roast Of: Charlie SheenCharlie Sheen is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Charlie SheenCharlie Sheen is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Charlie, you get a bad rap, but you're just like Bruce Willis. You know, you were big in the '80s and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton Kutcher.”Charlie gets a bad reputation, but you are like Bruce Willis. You were big in the '80s; Ashton Kutcher now fills your spot.

Roast Of: Justin BieberJustin Bieber is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: LudacrisLudacris is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “You might know Ludacris from your mom’s ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ CD.”You might know Ludacris from your mom’s 'Now That’s What I Call Music' CD.

Roast Of: Bruce WillisBruce Willis is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Ed NortonEd Norton is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Who could forget Ed as the Incredible Hulk? ”“Who could forget Ed as the Incredible Hulk? ”The Avengers franchise, that’s who. Let’s give him a round of applause. I know Mark Ruffalo does every night.”The Avengers franchise, that’s who. Let’s give him a round of applause. I know Mark Ruffalo does every night.”

Roast Of: Flavor FlavFlavor Flav is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Carrot TopCarrot Top is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “I used to think they called you Carrot Top because of your red hair. Now I know it’s because they’d love to see you buried up to your forehead in dirt.”I thought they called you Carrot Top for your red hair. Now I see they call you that because they want to see you buried up to your forehead in dirt.

Roast Of: Larry the Cable GuyLarry the Cable Guy is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Larry the Cable GuyLarry the Cable Guy is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “People always ask me if I've seen Larry's latest movie, and I say ‘No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet to get the feeling I have.’”People ask me if I saw Larry's latest movie. I say no, but I flushed a ten-dollar bill down the toilet to feel like I did.

Roast OAlec Baldwin
Target: Blake GriffinBlake Griffin is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Blake you look like a Black guy that got made by a printer running out of ink.”“Blake you look like a Black guy that got made by a printer running out of ink.”

Roast Of: Anthony JeselnikCharlie Sheen is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Charlie SheenCharlie Sheen is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law & Order SVU.”“Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law & Order SVU.”Law & Order SVU is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.Charlie, I do not get why you are not thankful for what you have now. The only reason you are on TV is because God hates Michael J. Fox.

Roast Of: Amy SchumerCharlie Sheen is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Mike TysonMike Tyson is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Mike Ty-thon. Am I saying that right? Hey Mike, here’s something you’ll never hear: ‘Great tattoo!’ You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. Men don’t know whether to be scared of it or finish on it.”“Mike Ty-thon. Am I saying that right? Hey Mike, here’s something you’ll never hear: ‘Great tattoo!’ You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. Men don’t know whether to be scared of it or finish on it.”lower back tattoo on your face.on your face. Men do not know whether to fear it or finish it.

Roast Of: Hannibal BuressJustin Bieber is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Hannibal BuressJustin Bieber is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “They say to roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here cause this is a real good opportunity for me.”They say roast the ones you love, but I do not like you at all, man. I am here just for a good opportunity.

Roast Of: Chevy ChaseChevy Chase is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Chevy ChaseChevy Chase is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “No one laughed harder than Chevy when the town of Chevy Chase, Maryland tried to change its name to Not Funny, Maryland.”“No one laughed harder than Chevy when the town of Chevy Chase, Maryland tried to change its name to Not Funny, Maryland.”

Roast Of: Rob LoweRob Lowe is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: JewelJewel is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Jewel is here, or as I call her, Trailer Swift. Jewel I don’t wanna badmouth you because God already did.”Jewel is here, or as I call her, Trailer Swift. Jewel, I will not speak poorly of you because God already did.

Roast Of: David HasselhoffDavid Hasselhoff is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Whitney CummingsWhitney Cummings is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke: “Whenever I attend an event like this, my first order of business is to choose whom I will be taking home to ravish upon my water bed. Whitney Cummings. How I would make sweet love to you. But alas, I’m just an old man with perfect vision. And I suspect you might be, too.”When I attend an event like this, my first goal is to pick who I will take home to pleasure. Whitney Cummings. I would make love to you. But I am just an old man with perfect vision. I suspect you might be too.

Roast Of: Kevin HartTom Brady is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.
Target: Tom BradyTom Brady is in the list 'Best Celebrity Roasts'.

Joke:Gisele gave Tom an ultimatum. Gisele said, “You retire, or we’re done.” She told him, “When you get a chance to go 8-9, and all it costs you is your wife and kids, you have to do what you have to do. That’s real shit. Fuck them kids!”

Roast Of: Charlie Sheen
Target: Charlie Sheen

Joke: Charlie, if you’re ‘winning,’ the scoreboard has something wrong. Charlie, if you’re winning, this isn't a child custody hearing. Only reruns let your kids see you. Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps?

Roast Of: Justin Bieber
Target: Shaq

Joke: “Shaq, your knuckles look scraped. Did you walk here?”Shaq your knuckles look scraped - did you walk here?

Roast Of: Bruce Willis
Target: Bruce Willis

Joke: I just look at our marriage like The Sixth Sense. You were dead the whole time.

Roast Of: Bob Saget
Target:Bob Saget

Joke:Bob, you have many well-wishers tonight. They want to throw you down one well. They want to murder you in a well. It says this on the card.

[Not wanting to hurl typically harsh roast jokes at his friend, Saget, Macdonald subverted audience expectations with an anti-roast full of corny dad jokes.

Roast Of: Justin Bieber
Target: Justin Bieber

Joke: “As far as I’m concerned, this guy is doing it right. I know a couple things. September 1, 2014: Bieber was arrested for hitting a minivan in Stratford, Ontario, Canada, and then beat the driver. October 18, 2010: Bieber faced charges for assaulting a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena. Kaboom! I wish the kid was nine. This kid [Bieber] has spunk. Moxie. And probably some STDs.” “As far as I’m concerned, this guy is doing it right. Here’s a couple things I know. September 1, 2014: Bieber arrested for a collision with a minivan in his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, Canada. And then beat up the occupant of the minivan. Nice work! October 18, 2010: Bieber accused of assaulting a 12 year old at a laser tag arena. Kaboom! I only wish the kid was a nine year old… This kid [Bieber] has spunk. Moxie. And probably a few other STDs.”

Roast Of: Pamela Anderson
Target: Pamela Anderson

Joke: “Pam, you slept with Bret Michaels, Tommy Lee, and Kid Rock. Save yourself time and drink a vat of Magic Johnson's blood?”Pam, you've slept with Bret Michaels, Tommy Lee, and Kid Rock. Why don't you save yourself time and drink a vat of Magic Johnson's blood?

Roast Of: William Shatner
Target: Lisa Lampanelli

Joke: “Look at this - Nichelle Nichols, Farrah Fawcett, and Betty White. I’ll take ‘Women I would masturbate to 30 years ago’ for 1,000, Alex. What a cruel joke. Three women I would’ve f*cked 30 years ago, and one [Lampanelli] I wouldn’t f*ck 30 beers from now.”Look at this - Nichelle Nichols, Farrah Fawcett, and Betty White. I’ll take ‘Women I would masturbate to 30 years ago’ for 1,000, Alex. What a cruel joke. Three women I would’ve f*cked 30 years ago, and one [Lampanelli] I wouldn’t f*ck 30 beers from now.

Roast Of: James Franco
Target: Seth Rogen

Joke:Many of you might not know Seth Rogen has a writing and directing partner named Evan Goldberg. What does this other guy look like that you’re the face of the operation? I assume he’s like a sweaty Orthodox Jew eating a pastrami sandwich: ‘Hey Sethie, I added nine d*ck jokes on page four. I thought the guys were friends, then they weren't, then they were friends again at the end. They should also smoke a lot of ganja, Sethie.’

Roast Of: James Franco
Target: Jonah Hill

Joke: Bill Hader performs as the President of Hollywood. He says, “Hey Jonah, I’m assuming you’re here because Seth is? People call me all the time and they say, ‘Hollywood, do we really need two of these guys?’ But I own you, Jonah. I f*cking own you. If I tried to buy you on iTunes, it would say, ‘Are you sure you want to purchase? Because you already own this f*ck.’”

Roast Of: Jeff Foxworthy
Target: Bill Engvall

Joke: Bill says, “Bill, he’s a prolific b*stard, man. He’s got seven comedy CDs out. Without Bill, Sears would have no comedy section. Seven CDs. Bill, did you ever think of just saying something unfunny without recording it?”

Roast Of: Charlie Sheen
Target: Emilio Estevez

Joke: “[Charlie] proved nobody can keep a Sheen down. They could keep an Estevez down, cause his brother… And he was the good one! That motherf*cker did everything right, but that n****’* career is over, holy sh*t! F*ck tiger blood, he's selling his own blood to make money.”

Roast Of: Alec Baldwin
Target: Nikki Glaser

Joke: “Larry Byrd is here. I mean, Nikki Glaser is here. You know, the only difference between Larry Byrd and Nikki Glaser is Larry could actually pass as 33.”

[Griffin's jokes directed at Glaser landed all the more brutally after she'd spent her set expressing how attractive she found him.]

Roast Of: Charlie Sheen
Target: Anthony Jeselnik

Joke: “He reminds me of a medieval restaurant waiter. His whole demeanor, like, ‘Hello, may I, welcome to…‘ And you just want to go, ‘Shut the f*ck up and bring me my giant turkey leg, you f*ckin' nothing.”

Roast Of:Tom Brady
Target:Sam Jay

Joke:“[Sam Jay] is a Black lesbo, which means she doesn’t eat p***y, she ‘aw hell gnaws’ on it.”