Tom Brady Roasters: 19 Best Jokes, Ranked

Best Joke:“You retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I mean, i get it, it’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend.”

Best Joke:“ [Sam Jay] is a Black lesbo, which means she doesn’t eat p***y, she “aw hell gnaws” on it.

Best Joke:[To Brady on Belichick] You f*cked him, Tom. You f*cked him good… You know who else f*cked their coach? Gisele. She f*cked that karate man…. How did you not see this coming? Eight karate classes a day, and she’s still a white belt?

Best Joke: When we played together, Tom, you used to scream, ‘Laser focus! Laser focus!’ Now that’s what he screams at his plastic surgeon. Who’s laughing now Tom? Not you, because your face can’t move and you don’t have a sense of humor.

Best Joke: Gronkowski, Edelman, Welker—that’s not a receiving core; that’s a law firm. With that divorce coming up, you’ll need ‘em. That’s why Dana’s here! You can learn how to f*ck a Brazilian out of half their purse.

Best Joke:That scrawny rookie walked into Robert Kraft’s office and said, ‘I’m the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?'

*If best here is defined as getting under the roastee's skin, as this joke prompted Brady to shut Ross down on further Kraft jokes.

Best Joke:[To Drew Bledsoe] Your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap on. Just because you wear it doesn’t make it real.

Best Joke:People said Tom and I butt heads a lot. That was true. But it was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s a**.

Best Joke:There were rumors Coach Belichick would be here tonight. He has some time on his hands. Look, at least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.

Best Joke:Peyton, thanks for coming to LA. You live in Denver sometimes, Louisiana sometimes, but you always live in my shadow.

Best Joke:My kids now excuse themselves to the bathroom by saying I have to go take a Brady.

Best Joke: “Everyone kissed Tom’s a**, i’ll admit, even i did. But Julian, you’re the only one who used tongue.”

Best Joke: “Tom you played for the Patriots for so long that i almost started to think you were from boston. But then i saw you run, and i was like, ‘No, he’s from San Francisco.’”

Best Joke: Tom, Nate Ebner [has a ring]. Nate Ebner. Who the f*ck is Nate Ebner?

““Like many family reunions, there’s some people i’m desperately trying to avoid. Coach Belichick, good to see you. You really look debonair in sleeves.”

Best Joke: “I wasn’t going to come tonight, but since i'm not here as Tom's date, there's still a good chance i might.”

Best Joke:[To Brady] “A person could get lost in those eyes. And right now, i am that person.”

Best Joke:Tom Brady acts like a psychopath. He hails from Northern California, same as the Zodiac Killer. He choked people twice in Boston, like the Boston Strangler. Brady chewed up and spat out the competition, like Dahmer.

Best Joke: This is pretty ballsy. Is life too good? You want someone to kick your ass for three hours. That ends it. You won't see me volunteering for the Ben Affleck Roast. That's what I call Thursday.