33 'Dad Twitter' Tweets Proving Dad Jokes Are Evolving

My daughter went to a laser quest birthday party yesterday. She chose the username “a girl”. I asked why she didn't pick ‘bloodstone’ or ‘skull-crusher’. She replied, “So every time I zapped a boy they’d know it was a girl that took them out.”

Proud Dad.

My daughter told me, "Daddy, we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird."

I had beef with a four-year-old named Brooklyn and her dad, no questions asked now.

I do not make the rules for this group. I just play my part.

My three-year-old asked how long he had to wait to stop listening to me. I told him he must listen to me for his whole life. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded.

Me: goodnight kids

Kids: goodnight dad

Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad

Wife: GOODNIGHT, through the radio under the bed.

Last night, my three-year-old kicked me during a tantrum. Later, as I tucked him in, he apologized. "I'll never kick you again," he said, pulling me close and kissing my cheek. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do and I'll never have to kick you again." My son is a mobster.

Fellas, this is on my heart, so I must say it! Hug your sons sometimes feels like two ships passing in the night. I hug my son every morning and tell him I am proud. This morning we hugged; he said, "Dad, I’m proud of you." I went to the bathroom and cried.

[bed time]

Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.

3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet

Me: Scarier than Mom?

3: *goes to bed*

I am so proud now; I have tears. My son finally told me he was gay. I knew, but I wanted him to trust and tell me. I gave him a big hug and asked if he was happy. He gave a big breath and said yes. I told him, "Good, love ya son." Now I am crying.

Simple facts: I am terrified of my toddler discovering:
- Public parks do not close randomly.
- TVs do not run out of batteries.
- There is no world record for "fastest at putting away toys".
- The chicken and the food are the same thing.

Any additions?

My dumb ass logged my son into his Zoom class. I wore no shirt. All I heard were fifteen little voices saying ewwwww.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
- I would not let the dog drive him to daycare.
- The bath was "too wet".
- He wanted syrup for breakfast... just syrup.
- His sister keeps looking at him.
- He wants shoes like his friend Jacob (Jacob does not exist).

What about your kid?

Kids greatly overestimate how much parents want to guess things.

My toddler shouted, “I NEED A BREAK FROM ALL OF YOU,” then locked himself in his room. When we asked what happened, he replied, “Nothing. I’m just being daddy.”

I accidentally flushed the toilet instead of letting my kid do it. In the toddler community, this is a crime punishable by death.

[Ordering in the drive thru]

Can you make the kids' meals the same? Please, exactly the same. I mean exactly the same. They WILL count the fries.

I like talking with kids. Grownups never ask me my third favorite reptile.

A rival dad handed out full-size candy bars. Now, every trick-or-treater at my door gets a whole rotisserie chicken.

My daughter wants to be scary for Halloween. Instead of a costume, she will carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I want my 13-year-old to grasp honesty's importance. She is only 12 when we buy movie tickets.

I saw my son chewing on electrical cords.

I had to ground him. He is acting better now.

I told my son he can have a cookie if he finishes his plum and hard-boiled egg for breakfast. We have no cookies.

I am playing a dangerous game.

No parent shows more false hope than bringing a chair to the beach.

Buying shoes for our kids.
Her: Which one do you like better?
Me: I don't know. Probably our daughter.

My son got the Spider-Man costume he wanted. I posed him in different ways and photoshopped myself out. It looks pretty good!Picture linked: pic.twitter.com/aEqYEdSVhf shows 'Spiderman Son' in the list '33 'Dad Twitter' Tweets Proving Dad Jokes Are Evolving'.

Homeschooling.

Me: What is 345 minus 127?

Daughter: 218

Me: *Filling in taxes* Thanks.

I wear a clown mask to sleep. This guards against any nightmares my kids have and come into our bed.

My kids wanted a scary movie tonight. I showed them a JavaScript tutorial on YouTube.

They have been crying since then.

My kids: Dad, will you make us some grilled cheese?

Me: How did you find me? There are like 12 bars in this town.

My son lost a tooth last night.
I just saved myself £2.Picture linked: pic.twitter.com/4AGJneitcu shows 'Tooth Fairy Isn't Able To Come' in the list '33 'Dad Twitter' Tweets Proving Dad Jokes Are Evolving'.

3yo: I love you daddy.

Me: I love you too.

3yo: You are my best friend.

Me: Aww, that’s pathetic.