Your '90s Ghost Boy Crush Is Now The Twitter Dad Of Your Dreams

I think I’m not alone in wanting life-sized gerbil balls so I can stick my kids in them and sleep while they roll around safely, bumping into stuff.

Your kids watch your actions. They copy you. If you act like trash to others, they will act like trash to others too. Next time you fight over a parking spot or criticize looks, watch who is watching.

As a kid, my dad would tease me if I cried during a movie. I worked hard to hold it back. That was a different time. Now, I look at my son after ET says he must go home, tears in my eyes, and I ask, “Sad, huh?”

My three-year-old has trouble staying in her bed. She comes to ours and freaks out because I am ‘hogging the bed.’ She wants to sleep sideways! Maybe I should tell her the secret identity of Santa Claus! It is 3 AM!

I got off the plane, and my wife sprayed me with disinfectant from a giant bottle. I asked if it was for the Coronavirus, and she looked at me blankly and said, “Yeah, that too, I guess.”

Veteran Girl Scouts have the skill to stare down people across the parking lot and make them buy a box.

I take my kids to work so they can spend the day in my trailer. We can finally stop this daddy let's go camping nonsense.

This kid looked at me when I took Brussel sprouts from a grocery store buffet like, “Motherfucker, you have a choice.”

Why do people use double-sided tape to stick pog slammers to the backs of their phones?

I owe daddy.

Sorry.

Dad, hey!

Oops.

Hey!

Almost done.

I hate you.

A few more seconds.

You are the worst.

You don't mean that.

I owe! Hey!

Sorry.

So mean.

A few more.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Brushing my three-year-old's hair. She does not really hate me, I am sure.

My son told my wife he is packing his bags and moving out today. He is tired of his sister and done being stopped from watching TV.

I told her to let him go after tax season because he is a write-off. Then I helped him pack and change the locks.

My son has a crazy hair day at school; he colored his hair gold. My wife and I are in the bathroom right now, dyeing his hair gold.

I am in the hallway yelling, “Stanley, what are you doing in there?” but they do not hear me.

Calling home, your kids do not want to talk to you because Scooby Doo is on. That is not the best feeling in the world. F Scooby.

I found a couple of undeveloped disposable cameras in a box labeled “late 90s/early 00s”....

Put both in the microwave for 20 minutes on high.

What do I do with this?

Hang it with the other tutus on a clip hanger.

An actual conversation I just had.

You wait a month to get your deli order back. You wear a hat. They will tackle you walking in.