Controversial Decisions That Made Step-Parents Ask, 'AITA?'

Description of 'AITA For Deciding To Skip My Stepson's Wedding And Stay Home With My Children?' in the list 'Controversial Decisions That Made Step-Parents Ask, 'AITA?''AnRiceRun:

I married my husband 25 years ago. He has two kids from his first marriage: K** at 28 and M** at 27. His first marriage ended during M**'s pregnancy. His ex brought another man into their home. She told my husband to leave; she planned to marry the other man. A DNA test happened when M** was born. Another test occurred on K** later. Custody was decided. The divorce finished while M** was still a baby. I met him six months later. We married after one year together.

My husband's ex made our lives awful. She pushed the kids away from me. We went through court, therapy, and mediation classes to try and fix things. Nothing helped. Her second husband left, which only made her worse. She married again, but that ended too.

My relationship with my stepkids hurts me. I love them. I always tried to be a respectful, loving stepparent who never criticized their mom, overstepped, or assumed they liked me like their parents. I hoped we would connect. They acted rude or distant and cold. I loved them anyway, and my husband took the lead with them. When my husband and I had our own children, they did not bond with them, but we hoped time and therapy would build some kind of relationship.

My stepson is getting married. He told my husband our kids were not invited because it was a child-free wedding. Then he told me what I could not wear—because the two mothers matched the theme and I was excluded. He said I would not get a corsage so people knew I was not a parent. He stated I would not be mentioned in any toasts, I could not give a toast, and photos with the parents and immediate family would exclude me. My husband asked why he was making such a big deal. He replied I needed to know my place and admitted he did not want me there. So, I decided not to go and stayed home with my children. I hit a wall; I do not see a future where we might get along better, and I clearly am not wanted. But my husband's family is angry and says I was invited, so I should go.

AITA?

From Redditor u/ilovethembutimtired:

My wife (39F) and I have been married for some time and she has three great kids: 12, 9, and 7. The kids are awesome. They are the coolest people I know.

My dad died when I was nine. My stepdad arrived three years later. My stepdad relieved my mom of pressure so she could care for us. I admired my dad. I loved my stepdad too. Being one makes me proud. I enjoy taking over laundry so my wife can play with her kids. I fix their bikes so they can ride with her. I do over 50% of the house and yard work. I am happy about it.

My wife and I only fight about her refusing to make her kids do any chores. They do not clear plates, sweep, or vacuum; they often do not flush. This makes me furious. Even after my dad died, my mom kept the chore chart. She said we all must help each other. This gave me consistency, responsibility, pride, and character.

Now, this all happened. Everyone is home constantly, so I face three times the housework. I cannot handle that much work plus working from home. I have been angry and raging all the time.

My wife works part-time from home and receives child support from the kids' dad, who makes them do chores at his house. She rejected all talks about teaching the kids to clean up and share housework. I am not asking them to scrub floors with toothbrushes. While they are home all day, they should learn simple tasks like helping with dishes, laundry, sweeping, or flushing toilets, besides playing. They get one hour of school daily. They can do thirty minutes of chores and still have ten hours to play and enjoy themselves. Everyone must share the work.

Since my wife refuses to discuss this with me, I chose a different approach.

I will not do any more chores until the kids do.

I will not rage, feel resentful, angry, and exhausted all the time. Those kids are amazing. I will not ruin the good relationship I built with them. Their mom is at fault for their behavior, not theirs or mine. I will work and clean up after myself. That is all. My wife can handle everything else, or she can get everyone to do their fair share.

What do you think? My wife thinks I am not supporting her when she needs it most. I think she is supporting her kids and overloading me. What is your take? AITA?

From Redditor u/CatsEyesOnYou:

I have been with my fiancé for over ten years and have been the main income for many of them (fiancé has health issues). When I say I love my stepchild like my own, I mean it. I have a good relationship with their mom's family, and we co-parent well (at least I feel that way). The problem is, my fiancé, his child's mother, and both families constantly see nothing wrong with me paying for everything. I am not rich; I struggle to make ends meet. I like getting my stepchild gifts and what they need, but lately, I feel like an ATM. If I cannot pay for something, everyone points out it is my duty and that I "agreed to this". I buy things for my stepchild, give Mom money, and do whatever is needed. If I cannot, I feel like I have done something wrong.

I entered this relationship knowing I wanted marriage and my own children with my partner. They insisted for over ten years that is what they wanted too, but they never acted to make it happen. When I ask about it, they say, "Of course they want that, but they need to take care of the family they have now."

I feel strung along for ten years. Others use me so they can get everything they want while I have to give up what I always wanted.

I hold no blame or negative feelings toward my step-child. They are wonderful. I would do anything for them, even if I was not with one of their parents. My issue is only feeling used by the adults. I feel guilty getting upset because I love this child so much. Am I just naive and being used?

From Redditor u/Sharp-Bluebird7566:

I am married to my husband of four years. We have children similar in age from our past partners.

My husband has a daughter S*** [F21]. I have a daughter L*** [F19].

This year, L*** started her first year of university in another state. She got a loan for tuition. I sent L*** money for living expenses. She plans seasonal work over the holidays for more cash.

S*** started her second year of university in another state too. My husband sends her money regularly for her studies, and he pays her tuition.

My husband recently told me S*** is having money trouble from car problems. He asked if I could send money to help with costs. We have a prenup keeping our finances separate, except for splitting rent and bills.

I politely refused. I asked if S*** had asked her mother to send money (her mother is and always was involved in her life).

My husband got offended by my question. He asked if I cared about helping family. He said it is only fair I send S*** money since I send L*** money. I pointed out thathedoesn't send L*** money. He claimed L*** is not struggling and got angry, accusing me of playing favorites.

I found this sudden. I told my husband that both S*** and L*** have a parent financially helping them with similar money, so their support levels are not so different.

My husband reacted badly. He called me selfish and said I am a garbage stepparent.

From Redditor u/Familiar-Tiger4880:

I, a 35-year-old woman, have been married to my husband, M***** (38), for five years. I am the stepmother to his two sons from his first marriage, L** (14) and K**i (8). Their mother died seven years ago. K** calls me mom; he has done so since he was four. L** calls me by my first name.

K** wanted me to adopt him for a while; we discussed it. L** did not want me to adopt K** and my husband felt uncomfortable with me adopting only K**i. He worried about the boys fighting or L** feeling left out later. I think his main fear involves other people's judgment and the comments those comments could bring to both boys.

I love both L** and K**. My relationship with each is different. K** is my son; we share a mother-son bond. L** is my stepson; I love him, but he doesn't always like me being here. He gets annoyed that I replace his mom sometimes. He treats me fine, but he never accepts me taking up too much of his mom's role. Our relationship requires careful balancing.

The boys see a therapist. We also did family therapy. My husband asked the therapist about adoption. She said we made the right choice. She said adopting only K** could work once the boys reach ages 10 and 16, and their feelings settle. She advised making sure Lee is spoken to again and given a chance to state if he changes his mind.

Many people have opinions, which makes this hard. I hate seeing K** sad. I do not want to push L** either or risk him developing a certain feeling if we choose wrong.

My in-laws told me to adopt the boys a month into the marriage. My husband told them then we did not need to rush. Now they know the situation and claim it is shameful I have not adopted the boys and become their legal mother. They said L** deprives both boys of the legal protection of my being their mother. They claimed I show clear favoritism by "making it obvious" I want to adopt K** over L**. I asked them how I make that obvious; they ignored my question. They told me I should have taken the chance to be their mother. They called considering making one boy mine and discarding the other like trash monstrous. This angered me because I always did my best. I told them they have no right to judge me for not adopting the boys; they do not know what it is like being a stepparent, especially for stepchildren who lost a parent to death, and they do not know what it is like when both kids want different relationships with you. They told me you do not need to be a stepparent to know someone is wrong in how they stepparent.

AITA?

From Redditor u/Feeling-State-2014:

We are a blended family. My daughter, Allie, was two months old when I met my husband. His children were one, Olivia, and six, George.

Fake names

We did not start dating right away. The children met when my daughter was nine months old.

I am close to both Olivia and George. I like to stay within our boundaries.

Olivia and Allie are different. Allie has anxiety; Olivia loves the spotlight. I like both girls' traits, but they clash.

I realized we doeverythingOlivia is eight now.

The incident happened a few days ago. We have Olivia and George for two weeks each month.

Olivia and Allie share a room. We plan to have another baby, so we are debating finding a home where they can each have their own room.

She sent Allie to get her drink.

She sent Allie to get her toy.

She sent Allie for her blanket.

I only realized this was consistent later. I spoke to her, and I thought we would reach an agreement.

She started playing with her fidget spinners.

She started coloring in her stuffed toys, which should not be colored.

She kicked Allie.

She threatened Allie not to tell me.

She told me she "likes nighttime".

Her attitude, not just her actions, is the issue. She kicks, rolls her eyes, and corrects me in a snarky tone, like when I told her, "Get in the shower, please." She responded, "You need to communicate better." Now I know where that came from; she did not think of it herself.

All of this happened around 10 pm, when they should have been in bed. I brought Allie in with me. The next day, Olivia continued her demands. I told her I would stop doing everything for her except the basics: food, drink, running baths, etc. If she wanted a toy, she could get it. She could get her own clothes out, just like Allie does (they are all organized).

My husband agreed, but her mother did not.

She told me I cannot discipline Olivia for not sleeping because she has ADHD. I have told her many times to get her tested, but every time I scream, she gets upset. Living with "strangers" is hard, and I am being too strict.

I worry that since she was coddled, this behavior is a result of being spoiled.

I use positive reinforcement sometimes instead of this, but nothing works.

AITA?

From Redditor u/SuspiciousNote7032:

I, a 35-year-old woman, married my current husband, a 41-year-old man, seven years ago. My husband has three children from a prior marriage; I have two children from a previous relationship.

My husband and I had our child eight months after marriage. I always treat my stepchildren like my own. My husband’s oldest daughter, we call her K, is nineteen and a sophomore in college. She recently got engaged to her high school boyfriend, Z, who is nineteen.

They attend the same college. They have been together four years. Everyone loves her fiancé and his family. Z asked my husband for his blessing. They planned to marry after graduation. My stepdaughter told me they plan to marry next summer after sophomore year.

Her fiancé plans an apartment at college. They will stay with his grandma in her basement during the summer. K works as a host at college. K babysits during the summer. She refuses to pay college loans. After financial aid, she must pay about $800 monthly.

Her mother helps, and we help what we can. But we told her if she chose an out-of-state college, she would be financially responsible. I told her I respect her choice. However, she will start nursing classes in her junior year; working during those two years is nearly impossible.

I told her this weekend. She told us she plans to wed next summer. I will not pay her car insurance or cell bill after she marries. K got angry with me and refused to speak to me, even though I explained why.

I told her marrying young is her choice. By doing so, you state I am independent and ready for a future with my husband. She understood that. But I still need your help. I agreed to help here or there, but I will not pay her bills monthly until she pays them herself. I think they both should focus on school and marry after graduation so they can both become financially independent, not just married but independent of my parents. So, AITA for cutting her off?

My husband did tell her about this joint decision. Kelly, age 19, will be 20 next Spring. Her siblings are 17 (almost 18), 15, 13, 8, and 6. We lack financial stability and live paycheck to paycheck. I have earned overtime to pay off debt from when my husband could not work due to health issues.

The 17-year-old knows that if she moves out alone, she is on her own; she has the right to self-determination. She needs tough love. Mom, dad, stepmom, and stepdad will agree. I am happy she has a job where I work, but she remains obsessed with her boyfriend. She did not come home one night; that suggests a different situation, maybe a future Reddit post.

The 15-year-old will depend on us—emotionally, financially, and mentally. He has Autism. He has achieved amazing things. I have been more like his mom than his real mom. He has a heart of gold.

The 13-year-old and 8-year-old are mine from a past relationship. Their father does not help or see them because he is in prison. That will likely be a future Reddit post since he is paroled in December of this year.

The six-year-old is biologically my husband. This child is the baby. The child loves tornadoes.

I will support my kids, whether they are bonus or biological. Still, I want them to handle their own responsibilities. I learned that if you don't buy something, you don't value it. I paid my own bills starting at age 16. At 16, I paid for my school fees, clothes, food, cell service, insurance, graduation gown and cap, and dresses. I do not expect my kids to pay for those things. I only paid for Kelly’s sister’s graduation items. I will help, but adult choices require adult responsibilities.

Marriage requires a serious financial talk between the couple. Discuss a monthly budget, date nights, food costs, rent, and other things.

From Redditor u/ThrowRAnotomok:

I am 28 (f) and married to my husband, 37 (m). He has three kids from his previous marriage: twins, 12 (f), and a son, 10. We also have our own child, a toddler.

Since we started dating, I set a firm rule: I will not be their mother. Their mother is alive and well; they share 50/50 custody. I act as their aunt. When we dated, I told the kids I was not replacing Mom; just see me as an aunt or Dad's new wife. I will parent them, but they will never call me Mom or think of me that way.

I have a good relationship with my stepchildren. They call me Auntie Dani and treat their half-sibling like their little sister. I told them when I was pregnant they did not need to think of her as a sister; they could just call her a cousin.

My husband always tried to make me their kids' mother. He pushed them and me to call me Mom, but we all refused. I am friends with his ex-wife, who helped me talk to my husband about me not being the kids' mother. They have a mother, and I like our relationship.

However, my husband says I must not care about his kids. He claims refusing for them to call me Mom and telling them to call me Auntie alienates them. He says I show favoritism to our toddler because she is biologically mine.

I do not want to cross the kids' boundaries. I have seen enough divorce families as a kid. I never wanted to be the bad stepmom. I speak from experience with my own stepmother.

I spoke with friends and family. They are divided. Some say I alienate my stepchildren; others say I do the right thing. Am I an asshole?

EDIT: In my culture, you call adults close to the family or those you respect your Aunt or Uncle, even if you are not related by blood. We have a different word for this, but this is the closest English description.

From A Redditor:

I (29) married my stepdaughter's (17) father (40) three years ago. I struggled to connect with her from day one. She was the only girl in her father's life; her mother died when she was young. He struggled when her father got a girlfriend, then a new wife. I tried. For five years of our relationship, I faced much anger and disrespect. She grew more resentful when her father sided with me.

Under my husband's request, I sought a fun bonding activity. This morning, I took her to a specialty hot sauce store. She loves spicy food and acts like an expert. I hate spicy food; my tongue cracks. I thought she could enjoy it; I would watch her taste. We each picked a sauce. She called mine "terrible" because it was the mildest and too sweet. She laughed at me for being a "baby." She tasted hers and seemed fine. She picked something not spicy, saying it had good flavors. After she pushed me about bonding, I tried it.

The sauce contained the Carolina reaper pepper, the spiciest pepper, and it was one of the spiciest for tasting. I was insomuch pain I thought I would die! She laughed while the clerk brought me something for the pain. It was terrible. He said he could not believe my stepdaughter found this sauce not spicy; she must be faking.

In the car, I told her she had no phone, TV, or computer for non-school things for two weeks because she clearly did this to hurt me. She screamed in the car that I am not her mother, that I was gaslighting and villainizing her, and that she wished I was gone. I told her if she thought I lacked the right to parent her, then fine. I will let her father punish her.

She started crying when she entered the house. My husband surprisingly flipped onme,He said my ideas about "spicy" were unrealistic. He said I could not "prove" she did it on purpose. Even after I took her electronics, my husband gave them back. He told me I am harsh and unfair. Her daughter made several snide remarks, which he usually stops, but this time, he said she was justified. I told him he was justified in sleeping on the couch tonight.

Am I the asshole for grounding my stepdaughter over her prank?

From Redditoru/stepmamthrowaway:

I have been struggling with being a stepmom.

My husband and I married ten years ago. Four years ago, we took custody of his sixteen-year-old son (G). Getting G was tough. He had no relationship with my husband for years because his mother complicated things. They lived in a small town. The mother's boyfriend acted like an authority figure. This ruined my husband through many baseless accusations and harassment. He moved states away, and that is when we met. We both struggled, and we helped each other. My husband worked hard to stay in G's life. When I say G was rough, I mean he was rough. He hadn't showered in weeks. His teeth were decayed. He was malnourished. He hated us. Many CPS calls, attorneys, and law enforcement got him back. We worked with professionals. We got him therapy. We got him back to school. Now, I proudly say he is an amazing young man. But now, I am struggling.

I love my husband. He is an amazing partner and a great dad. Sometimes, though, I feel unheard. I have told him before: I do not mind being a step-parent. I do not think I can be a full-on parent. When we worked on custody, I told him I would help in every way possible. But I am a step-parent; the kid is his responsibility.

When we got G, things started okay. He did everything for himself. After our family therapy sessions, I took on more roles. I became his guardian at school. Everything about him became my job. I took him to school, appointments, and baseball games. I cooked his favorite food. I made sure his laundry was done. He has everything he needs. I am there when he struggles. I changed careers to earn more money. This bought us better things for him, better insurance. When he has bad dreams, I get up to make sure he feels safe. When he is sick, I take care of him. I took him on weekend 'adventures.' I slowly became the parent while my husband stepped back. G would have an anxiety attack and cry for hours. I comforted him. When I called for my husband, he just said, 'He doesn't need me. You are the mom; this is your strength.' G needs a mother's comfort now, not a dad. He handles the fun stuff—games, food nights, going out—but not the mental or emotional issues.

I talk to my husband constantly. I tell him I am struggling often. All I receive is: 'You are a parent. This is what being a parent is.' I am struggling.

I want to take a step back. I want to focus on my own mental health right now. WIBTA?

From Redditor u/hatewhatshappening:

I am fully prepared for people to call me an asshole. But for my own peace, I want to write my story and hopefully make sense of it.

I met my husband thirteen years ago. We married after two years together. He told me then he had a two-year-old daughter he had no interest in fathering, and she was not a planned baby.

I accepted this. I accepted he only paid child support. His child lives with her mom in Pasadena; we live in Vermont—worlds apart.

My husband never sought to see his child or maintain contact. They never spoke or exchanged cards. My husband said he never intended to be a dad, and this child was born despite his requests for abortion.

I accepted this. I am childfree. I spent my childhood caring for my mother’s five other children. She used drugs constantly, and I became the mom. I do not want children. I do not want to have children. I do not want maternal bonds with children.

I entered this relationship knowing he had no contact with this child and did not want to be a father.

Last year, his daughter made a Facebook account and contacted him. She shared her feelings, saying she found her father through searching and desperately wanted a relationship.

My husband came to me upset, crying. He asked if I could go see her. I felt angry. My world changed. My spot in his world shifted. Everything was different. I swallowed my hurt. I never let him feel my fear. I told him to go and make peace with her.

Since then, he flies to see her regularly. He shows a clear change of heart and takes on the father role with energy, pleasing both his daughter and her mother.

A few weeks ago, he had a serious talk. He admitted he knew my view on children but begged me to include this child in my life, to let her stay sometimes, to open my heart. I told him no. I said I would rather divorce than be a stepmother to a child I never knew.

I know for certain they have not spoken since before last year. If I had known, I would have left. It is unfair to this child; she has one father, and I can find another partner. I feel terrible. I feel like an evil witch, but this is terribly unfair to her.meAny thoughts on whether my behavior is awful would be helpful.

My husband asked me to be a 'mom' with him. He used those words. He has asked me to open our home a few times a year.

Someone asked me to 'paint a better picture'.

He speaks of her enthusiastically, which I welcome. He becomes sullen and distant when I do not share that enthusiasm.

He started a college fund from our savings. We have a lot in it, and I added money thinking we could retire early. That plan is gone.

He took the second bedroom, which was mine, and decorated it so she has a place to stay. That is fine. He spent $90k on a home gym in the basement. My second bedroom was my closet and shoe store; now everything is packed in suitcases while we sort out where it goes.

He wants me to get involved in her life, starting with visits to build a family. I have no issue with that, but I never agreed to this kind of family, and he knew that.

He booked all our vacation days over a year ago and used every single one to visit her. All our vacation days are wasted.

When I ask him to slow down, he cannot see why it matters. He is making up for lost time; I am not.

From Redditor u/aitabfshopping:

I have a daughter (7F). My fiancé loves her and cannot refuse her. I have never minded because I am happy my daughter has a father figure (her dad is not around).

The issue arises when my fiancé shops with my daughter.

For example, she grew out of her swimsuit. I asked him to take her to Walmart and buy two swimsuits. They returned with two swimsuits, cookies, candy, and about $300 in Legos.

He never goes shopping with her without buying her an extra toy or treat.

I talked to him about not buying my daughter so many things. He said gifts are his love language; this shows he loves her. I said I understood that, and one package of cookies or a small toy is fine, but not hundreds of dollars in toys. I told him if he cannot control himself and buy all these toys, I do not want him shopping with her.

He says that is unfair. He has been in her life for two years. He should be able to take her out.

I said he can take her to the park, zoo, aquarium, children’s museum, etc., whenever he wants, but no more shopping.

Things have been tense since then, so I wanted to know if I was wrong to say that.

From Redditor u/OK_Big7172:

My boyfriend (39M) and I have been together nine months since December. He has a daughter (5F). His baby momma (38F) ran off with their daughter and would not tell him where she was. On our first date, my boyfriend told me he had a child and asked if I had issues. I said no. I love children and wanted to be a mother figure because mine was not around much after my dad died.

My boyfriend finally got supervised visits at his house in March. I met her in mid-April for one hour weekly. After four weeks, visits became two hours for four weeks, and so on. Now, in September, we see her every Wednesday for nine to ten hours and Friday through Sunday every other weekend.

Our apartment flooded; we stay with a friend. That friend has a rule: she cannot stay overnight if someone else is present. This makes sense for a mother. So, we have not had her stay overnight except twice when our friend left for those weekends. As these months pass, I see I am not ready to be a step-parent or a parent generally. My boyfriend is the one I want to marry. He told me I do not have to be as nurturing as I have been, but I still want a family with him.

I care about his daughter. She is cute and funny. I will never let her feel I love her less because she is not mine. Since the first day I met her, I have treated and loved her as if she were mine. I will never force her to call me mom. I simply lack the emotional readiness to care for a young child; I have not even started college. I cannot choose when I want to be there for her. For context, she does not know my boyfriend is her father yet; she still thinks the baby momma's husband is her biological father. Am I the asshole for choosing not to be there for her as much?

From Redditor u/Applet757767:

I have been with N****e f32 for two years. We are getting married soon. She shares custody of her ten-year-old son with her ex-husband.

Since her ex-husband got sick, N****e began bringing her son over more often. Sometimes her mom took him due to work or other reasons.

We had issues because N****e had to bring my stepson with us whenever we went out. We started going out less and less. A month passed since we stopped going out, and since her ex got better, I arranged a beach trip for the weekend. It was supposed to be a couple's getaway. She got excited and prepared for everything.

The night before the trip, she came to me and said, "Hey, T** is sick again and he asked if I could take T***** to spend the weekend with us." I was shocked. I asked what she told him, and she said she agreed. Then she told me she wanted to take T***** to the beach with us. I got upset and told her not to bother because the trip was canceled. She looked shocked, but I told her not to act surprised after she ruined another chance for us to have quality, alone time. She argued she could not believe I expected her to leave her son since her mom was busy and a babysitter was not an option. I just shrugged and said it was done, then I walked out.

I went with the guys. She is upset with me. She says I could have just agreed to let my stepson T***** come. We would have had family time while T** got better.

She said I screwed up. AITA?