Wolverine Really Isn't As Cool As You Think He Is

Logan's history involves a dense fog of retconning and make-em-ups. This is not unheard of for a comic book character, but Wolverine pushes this to a new, confusing level. Authors create a past for him only for a specific story.

He was created as a one-off character. He was never meant to become a cultural icon for jocks or people buying comic book t-shirts at Target.

Think about how you feel when someone won't stop with their snobby attitude. Multiply that feeling by thirty years, and you get Wolverine.

Logan directs much of his poor attitude toward characters like Spider-Man and Cyclops. However, everyone has faced his crude behavior at least once. Being polite is cool. Canadians are famously polite. Wolverine betrays this group.

Logan has a bad track record with women. Some argue Wolverine has the best relationships with women in comic books, but that is false. He married women who died violently. He broke up Cyclops and Jean Grey. Logan hooked up with Storm despite intense feelings for others. He befriended younger female teammates to prepare them for romance.

Logan claims he is "the best there is at what he does." He is right if he means being terrible to women. He also tried to have sex with fifteen-year-old Mary Jane Watson while in Spider-Man's body in Ultimate Spider-Man #67. Gross.

People must mention his dumb hair. It is part of his bad character design, but it is so bad it should be a reason he is uncool. The dual horn feature belongs to his mask design, which is fine. But why must his hair fit that design?

Bruce Wayne does not have two small horns. Spider-Man's eyes are not that large. Why not give Logan normal hair? He looks like Gary Oldman inBram Stoker's Dracula.

Readers who don't see how much of a drag Wolverine is call him an anti-hero. That is wrong. An anti-hero must be shown as a bad guy who does good things while continuing the bad actions he enjoys. Magneto is an anti-hero. He is a real bad guy who sometimes does good things to save the world he wants to destroy.

Wolverine is a genuinely good guy. Being a Hulk villain in the funny papers does not make him a villain now. His introduction happened 417 years ago, or when that comic dropped. That history has no tie to modern Marvel continuity. Wolverine fits the Campbellian hero mold. He is a guy who avoids quests but gets pulled in by extreme situations, emerging changed, usually for the better.

Address this cliché complaint. In the Marvel universe, Logan has claw gloves, claws, adamantium bones, a healing factor, ears tuned to sound waves, and the ability to sense shapeshifters. That is a lot. Is that all? Far from it.

Logan shrugs off spicy food. He cannot get drunk. He shares a telepathic link with mutants. Only one power is made up; it is not even ridiculous. What are his powers? All of them? Why make a character who can do everything?

This mirrors Superman's issue. When a character solves every problem, they lose interest and coolness. Rogue is cool because she never truly experiences love, just like everyone does.

Wolverine is overpowered. Normal heroes and villains cannot beat him with standard methods. So, Logan should face characters who break the rules. Logan's many traits suit weird storylines. Writers seem scared to make anything interesting with him.

Have Logan blast off to fight something from beyond the moon that doesn't know he is a wounded samurai. Team him with Dr. Strange to fight Dormammu in the fifth dimension. Have goblins made of chocolate fingers tear him apart, or put him in a bakery run by Satan on a volcano's edge. Make him do something different.

Character 101: Audiences need to see a character develop. If a character is already the best at something, they cannot improve. Watching someone constantly excel is not entertaining. Forget Wolverine. Imagine watching someone try to make a sandwich. Do you want to see them expertly prepare a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in thirty seconds? Or do you prefer watching them struggle, realize they lack bread, walk to the store, step in a puddle, and then forget their wallet?

One scenario beats the other. That is why Wolverine seems less interesting than Spider-Man. Both characters easily defeat villains. One character misses an anniversary plan or loses a bus pass while taking time to fight villains. The other character smokes a cigar and calls someone "bub."

Where did he learn that name? No one has ever said it, not once since our universe began. Everyone knows Wednesday nights at Xavier Mansion are sloppy joe night. So, he must have heard everyone in the school call them sloppy joes. Yet he...Wolverine insistsWolverine calls them "meat soup sandwiches."

Is it a bit? If so, it's not funny. If he really missed the actual meal name, that is sad.

How cool can a character be when other bad-boy comics like Deadpool and Spider-Man make him the punchline? There is no...DeadpoolDeadpool does not make any direct reference to wanting to kiss Logan. This also makes Deadpool uncool—he's chill with the gay panic routine, comic authors. Spider-Man points out all the ways Wolverine is the worst. He acts as the anti-Wolverine despite having similar dumb storylines.

First, "Wifi-X" is a bad pun. It is barely a pun! Second, why does Wolverine tell everyone in his neighborhood he is Weapon X? Neighbors might think he is joking, but seeing Logan walk down the street in an undershirt full of bullet holes confirms he is the X-Man they see on the news.

If you are a celebrity, even a minor one, choose something plain for your home wireless network.

Wolverine acts as a catalyst, a plot point, or a function of the story used to end a tale. He is not a character. Often, especially on a team, writers write him to get beaten up or to save everyone with his powers.

It is rare for Wolverine to have a task beyond being blown up in an atomic blast to save humanity or getting beaten by the Punisher. Writers have made interesting things with Logan, but those instances are few and far between.

Why does Wolverine do what he does? Why save the world every week? Most writers do not remember who he is. So, what is the point of going to Japan to fight evil samurai? Seriously? What is the point? Logan just exists where he needs to be for a story, and this writing is boring/bad.

Wolverine is the toughest, hairiest, beer-drinkingest man. He stands 5'3" and is about five feet wide. This tough guy cannot have his feelings hurt. He chews through glass and punches any tough comic book guy until they bleed to death.

No one can hurt Wolverine. He is the toughest man ever. Why do comic book readers keep reading this? Do they like it, or is it a Marvel rule that Wolverine can only have sensitive emotions?Sensitive emotions.What happens when Johnny Cash plays?

Cool people do not have catchphrases. Advertising companies and hack comedians use catchphrases. Stop being fooled and ditch your Wolverine comics. Saying "I'm the best there is at what I do" and often saying "bub" does not make you interesting, Logan. It makes you a shorter version of Sheldon Cooper.

Everyone likes a loner searching for vengeance and a saving grace. But that is enough. End these Wolverine stories where he fights alone only to find violence fails, even if it is his only way to talk. Writers can place Logan anywhere. Why do writers repeat this routine?

Logan is close-minded, especially for someone alive for hundreds of years.Wolverine #186He beats up the Punisher in a contest that makes no sense, dumbing down everyone who reads it.

After the fight, men's muscle magazines fall from the Punisher's bag. An embarrassed Frank pretends they are suspects. Wolverine, acting like a bigot, then suggests Frank is gay, thinking it makes him less of a man.

Human sexuality involves chemical reactions, not whether someone can fight a superhero. Stop the homophobia.